Ðeath×†hemed×Þrom

i loved you so, so i put you to sleep.

Fri, 04 Jul 2008 15:03:41 GMT

i never posted pictures from my j. baxter photoshoot back on june 7th. shaina did my make-up and hair, of course :]

Necklace by Danielle / D-Zinesonline®

it's july 4th and it's raining. i want fireworks!

Sun, 29 Jun 2008 01:01:06 GMT

i'm sick, my bones ache and i just want to pass out; at least i've got 2 kittens on my lap to keep me company. i missed the metal bee gees yet again since i'm not feeling well :[ i went to new york to help drop off my grandfather at the airport without my dad being there and we didn't get lost, i'm quite proud of myself. life on the road would be the life for me, without a doubt.

i've got an unquenchable thirst for New York.

anchors away.

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 06:54:31 GMT

'Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back.
Maybe you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be.'

Tue, 17 Jun 2008 00:57:57 GMT

i just ran for 90 minutes. i'm obviously a bit stressed.

how can I keep inside the hurt I know is true?

Sun, 15 Jun 2008 20:11:46 GMT

trust. i can't even trust my own sister with things sisters should be able to talk about with eachother because i know, for a fact, that she'll use it against me during a fight or just to piss me off. why? and all i can do is step away from her and not confide in her anymore. i can't even talk to my own brother. my mom acts like she hates me because i challenge her to be a better person and she usually calls me by my sister's name...i miss my dad, he's in las vegas on a work trip and i hate depending on anyone, especially him since we're mostly alike. i called him today to wish him a happy father's day and he asked how i was doing, and i can't help but to be honest and tell him i'm not doing too well. he's really the only one [family wise] that i've got that can help me get the fuck out of this prison of a home and he knows i'm trying really hard to hold on to any positivity. my depression has been here for years, as much as i may not show it the majority of the time and it's in full gear at the moment. my head is blank, i want to write until my hands hurt, but i can't. i'm feeling extremely empty and i want to get out of this rut. i am 20 years old with goals and motiviation and hope in my heart. i shouldn't feel like i'm going to go through a mid-life crisis at 20 years old, just to get it over with. i don't bother to ask 'why me? why is this happening to me, what did i ever do to deserve this?' there's a reason why and soon enough, i'll find out. my strength is holding on for as long as it can before it gets any stronger. what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. it doesn't mean i haven't thought about that other 'option', but i know what i want out of my life and that's more than what most people can say these days.

i am only exisiting, not living.

Sun, 15 Jun 2008 02:26:29 GMT

isn't it funny when you're infront of someone and you need help and they know you do, they feel some kind of distance from you for whatever reason, but once you're not there anymore, the moment you are not infront of the person you needed help from...they'd do anything to get you back and change their decision to help..

THE WAIT IS OVER!!!

Fri, 30 May 2008 11:46:35 GMT

I can't wait to have a girl's night out tomorrow && finally see this!!

Wed, 28 May 2008 02:21:11 GMT

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go.
Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they go right. You believe lies so you eventually
learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart,
so that better things can fall together."

- Marilyn Monroe

The Golden Girl: Mischa <3 RIP

Sun, 25 May 2008 18:28:46 GMT

Mischa, my cat of 19 years who I have had since I was 1 year old, was put to sleep last night. This is the 2nd cat we've had to put down this year. She changed before my very eyes for the past few days; I was taking care of her everyday. But, last night, she was just so out of it that only a miracle, especially at her age, could save her. When I was sitting by her side, one of the kittens woke up [the one I call my son] came to me, sat on my lap and looked at me as if he were asking, 'What's wrong?' The irony of the new generation seeing what was happening with the older generation. When we took her to the emergency vet last night, the doctor said for a cat her age, everything was looking pretty good which was odd, except for one thing. And that one thing couldn't be fixed. The last time I saw my dad cry was back when I was a little girl. This cat was like my parents' 4th child, she had been with us for so long. Before they basically said there was nothing they could do, I was numb. I felt nothing. When they gave us time to say our goodbyes, I broke down, dropped to my knees. I kissed her on the head and told her I loved her so much. My mom and I stayed with her when she went off into the world peace where no suffering exists. On the ride home, after wiping my tears, I looked at the sky for some reason and I catch a shooting star. I instantly made a wish, despite how upset I was and my mom said, 'Maybe that was Mischa..' We just didn't want her to suffer anymore and now, she isn't & I'm currently finding the peace in that. She was the best cat, purring when even nobody was petting her, placing one paw over the other being all proper and being the queen of the house, because that's what she was. I love her and miss her so much already. She has gone to the Rainbow Bridge with the rest of the animals we had in the past. Rest in Peace, sweet girl. You were the best & will be greatly missed.

Mischa and Princess [who died in 2003] are now together again.

125 years. loved it for 20.

Sat, 24 May 2008 17:16:52 GMT

happy birthday to the Brooklyn Bridge.

words from miss carrie bradshaw.

Fri, 16 May 2008 19:33:06 GMT

When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious.
You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because
there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net.
When did it stop being fun and start being scary?

Tue, 06 May 2008 01:56:15 GMT

i'm fucking suffocating.

it's my life, don't you forget.

Mon, 14 Apr 2008 22:06:53 GMT

melanie's 2nd litter of kittens were born and they are ADORABLE! i was waiting for that moment for such a long time and it finally happened. their eyes just opened 1-2 days ago and they are incredibly tiny; they make me so happy.

Little babe with Mischa, my oldest cat [not the mama]

i was in philly from tuesday to sunday; definitely realized it was absolute asshole week. guys just keep proving the fact that they don't deserve to have a decent WOMAN in their lives; it's pretty ridiculous and i'm over it. i'm also tired of trying to keep in touch with 'friends' who just don't care to do it back. fuck that. all i know is that i love my friends. got to see nessa! <3 kept hitting 1601 with the ladies. went on webcam a few times, haha. crysta impersonating j.lo with her shades was funny as hell as well as dancing on a bar to 'pour some sugar on me'. hitting up 7-11 at early hours and guys dancing across the street to chat up a storm with us. i'm a redhead again!

definitely looks like i'm holding her face, haha.

just hanging out with JASON BATEMAN, THE MAD SCIENTIST!

HAHAHAH!

never a dull moment with my best friends <3

this is a love letter.

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 00:38:25 GMT

dear new york,

i will always love you. i can't wait to finally get the brooklyn bridge tattooed on my arm like i always wanted. the spirit and life in new york will always give me chills. i know i belong there, for my life started there in the first place. i'm nowhere close to being 'done' with it. i will be back to you soon.

love,

me

live through this, and you won't look back.

Thu, 20 Mar 2008 21:05:57 GMT

it's been awhile since i truly felt like myself. the bitterness from my last break-up took me on a crazy roller coaster ride. i had never felt so much spitefulness in my life (that i can recall). it's crazy how one tries to hide pain; you could turn into a whole different person even if it's just for a moment. i really annoyed the hell out of myself when i had this bitterness since it's so unlike me. i hated bringing up the break-up since it was still bugging me and just getting myself upset about it all over again. i hate being angry, let alone being bitter. revenge is only a temporary healing band-aid and i don't have that in me anymore. and i'm really glad that i don't. things happen in life; sometimes they're really great and sometimes they're just really awful. we can't forget that things happen for a reason. we can't change what has happened in the past, but we do have a choice to either linger on it or lay it to rest so we can move on. i've let this feeling go and i hope i never have to associate with such a feeling again. there will be no more entries about my last relationship, for it is not a relationship anymore and i'm finally okay with that. i feel like i can breathe again.

there's one thing i want to say, so i'll be brave
you were what i wanted
i gave what i gave
i'm not sorry i met you
i'm not sorry it's over
i'm not sorry there's nothing to save
- "Your Ex-Lover Is Dead" by Stars

i think i'm a zombie.

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 18:03:43 GMT

since this year already sucks and we're only in month #3,
we might as well make the best of it. there's no other choice.

p.s - i can't stop watching grindhouse.

Thu, 28 Feb 2008 05:49:05 GMT

it's funny how the guy i once was in love with became a gigantic bastard who doesn't care about me anymore [even if he claims that he does, he doesn't show it at all] when i tried to give him the world, one piece at a time because i thought he deserved it. now, the only thing he showed me is that i deserve better. MUCH better. sorry, but out of all the girls he had been with, i should've been the last person to be treated this way. i didn't deserve this one bit.

come to me.

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 07:10:00 GMT

ugh,i want a guy who follows his own road he's created without even realizing it and doesn't apologize for it.

Tue, 19 Feb 2008 18:59:10 GMT

i'm going through a life change. a major one.

R.I.P. Sue <3

Sun, 10 Feb 2008 00:02:12 GMT

R.I.P. SUE
aka Sueby Doo

it feels like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and has been stomped on. my cat, sue, had to be put to sleep today due to a tumor which was most likely cancer. my pets are truly like family to me; they don't say i'm the crazy cat lady for nothing. she was a big cat, but she was full of love and i'm going to miss her very much. i always used to call her the 'gothic' cat, she had a little goatee and she waddled when she walked. she was 15 years old. i love her and as devastated as i am, i'm happy that she isn't in pain anymore. ♥

is this living?

Wed, 06 Feb 2008 02:52:29 GMT

today was my dad's birthday. i wish i was able to do something for him, but i left a note saying happy birthday so he'd see it in the morning and i think it kinda made his day. new hair soon, new life soon. i fucking love my friends, the ones that are there for me. as for the rest of you..

life is funny.

Mon, 21 Jan 2008 18:29:49 GMT

losie broke up with me on saturday.

the feeling of being alone is one of the worst. what's even worse is that
i have nobody that loves me in that way anymore. i'm nobody's baby.

'drugs are a bet with your mind',

Wed, 16 Jan 2008 18:53:21 GMT

said Jim Morrison.

After hearing about Brad Renfro's passing [may he rest in peace], I felt somehow inspired to write about drugs. I've never done a harcore drug. Why? Because I was taught in school about them. I took their word on what they do to people.. If your school was lucky enough, they got everyone who attended into saying no to smoking and drugs. they approached us with this problem indirectly and basically told us it was up to us. They gave out those red ribbons you could pin to your shirt or backpacks. Back then, we didn't get the real drift as to why it was SO important. I remember in school, they had tons of drug-related assemblies, but one stuck out to me the most. They showed photos of people and the story of how they got into drugs. They were teenagers. One took a drug on prom night for the first time and died. Her mother spoke to us and that's when I heard 'Wish You Were Here' by Pink Floyd for the first time. Gruesome pictures of people overdosing…my god. How awful. Imagine finding someone in such a condition..or even worse, knowing you chose a path that would leave you face down on the ground, with god knows what coming out of your mouth or somewhere else from your body and having someone that possibly loves you, finding you. Think about it.

'just open your eyes and see that life is beautiful.'

As you grow older, you get peer-pressured. I remember the first time someone offered me a cigarette; she was my best friend at the time and i was so mad that she'd even offer me one. i've never been offered a drug i think because people knew I'd say no. i didn't let peer pressure get to me, i thought it was stupid. a waste of time to deal with. Peer pressure is for the kids in school who don't want to be alone at being wrong. It's as simple as that. I'd rather be the odd ball in school than to be in the 'cool' group just because they did something 'rebellious'. Give me a break. Anyways, I've seen my sister get ready for funerals due to drugs being the cause of a friend's death. To think of it, I believe I don't know many people personally that does drugs because if I did, I'd either be helping them if they were willing to confide in me or I wouldn't be friends with them in the first place. Have we forgotten about guidance? That's what parents are there for, and friends. People want to be guided. That's what parents are supposed to do for you: guide you until you're ready to guide yourself. 'Well, what if you didn't get to have that..that guidance?', you ask. Here's the thing: if you ever feel so alone, don't ever forget that you aren't because you have yourself. I'm not talking multiple personalities. I'm saying the one person that'll ever really 'get' you is YOU. Don't be afraid to take care of yourself or else you'll be left with the emptiest feeling…which may lead to drugs or some other kind of substance abuse since it ends up being all you really 'trust'. So, before you decide to depend on such a thing for a long time or even anytime, make sure you've given up on yourself because that'll show the true weakness. That's what it comes down to, really. Rock bottom. I hope no one reaches that point. 'You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself. That is something you have charge of.', a quote by Jim Rohn.

Is it really worth it?

'Until you value yourself, you will not value your time.
Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.'

The party scene will end. Get on the train home before it's too late.

It's crazy. You never truly realize how many people care about you until after you're gone. Don't wait until then. Start caring about yourselves and others before this one shot at life suddenly is taken away. Make choices that YOU think is sincerely right, there's nothing wrong with that. Keep trying, don't give up, no matter how defeated you may feel. Make the best out of everything that gets thrown at you. Don't put yourself down. Surround yourself with good people. You never know; you may inspire them or vice versa. I've been helping others since the 2^nd grade, as weird as that may sound. If you know me, you know that I'm there for you, whenever you need me.

Remember, it's up to you to make the right choice.
That's quite a gift to be able to do so.

Simply love one another. LOVE YOURSELF.
Don't put more weight on your shoulders than is needed.
Deal with one thing at a time. Remember to breathe.

'You must be the change you wish to see in the world.' - Gandhi

And appreciate life.

'There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world than for bread.' – Mother Teresa

- Leila A.

you're givin' yourself away

Wed, 09 Jan 2008 03:46:09 GMT

happy one year to losie & i today.

why don't you come right out & say
baby you can't take another day without me
you know i'm runnin' through your blood
need me like a drug
& you can't live without me

20 years of living.

Sat, 29 Dec 2007 05:04:21 GMT

oh hello. i'm now 20. hey!