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friends only :: comment to stay/be added. [04 Jan 2016|11:48am] friends only. this is it. no more creeps. people will be deleted. a new year...a new beginning. 72 twists | ???

i loved you so, so i put you to sleep. [04 Jul 2008|11:14am] [ mood | awake ] [ music | You're All I Need + Mötley Crüe ] i never posted pictures from my j. baxter photoshoot back on june 7th. shaina did my make-up and hair, of course :] ( sometimes love's better off dead ) it's july 4th and it's raining. i want fireworks! 1 twist | ???

[28 Jun 2008|09:02pm] [ mood | sick ] i'm sick, my bones ache and i just want to pass out; at least i've got 2 kittens on my lap to keep me company. i missed the metal bee gees yet again since i'm not feeling well :[ i went to new york to help drop off my grandfather at the airport without my dad being there and we didn't get lost, i'm quite proud of myself. life on the road would be the life for me, without a doubt. i've got an unquenchable thirst for New York.

anchors away. [18 Jun 2008|02:56am] [ mood | sleepy ] 'Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be.'

[16 Jun 2008|08:56pm] i just ran for 90 minutes. i'm obviously a bit stressed.

how can I keep inside the hurt I know is true? [15 Jun 2008|04:30pm] [ music | In The Darkened Room + Skid Row ] trust. i can't even trust my own sister with things sisters should be able to talk about with eachother because i know, for a fact, that she'll use it against me during a fight or just to piss me off. why? and all i can do is step away from her and not confide in her anymore. i can't even talk to my own brother. my mom acts like she hates me because i challenge her to be a better person and she usually calls me by my sister's name...i miss my dad, he's in las vegas on a work trip and i hate depending on anyone, especially him since we're mostly alike. i called him today to wish him a happy father's day and he asked how i was doing, and i can't help but to be honest and tell him i'm not doing too well. he's really the only one [family wise] that i've got that can help me get the fuck out of this prison of a home and he knows i'm trying really hard to hold on to any positivity. my depression has been here for years, as much as i may not show it the majority of the time and it's in full gear at the moment. my head is blank, i want to write until my hands hurt, but i can't. i'm feeling extremely empty and i want to get out of this rut. i am 20 years old with goals and motiviation and hope in my heart. i shouldn't feel like i'm going to go through a mid-life crisis at 20 years old, just to get it over with. i don't bother to ask 'why me? why is this happening to me, what did i ever do to deserve this?' there's a reason why and soon enough, i'll find out. my strength is holding on for as long as it can before it gets any stronger. what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. it doesn't mean i haven't thought about that other 'option', but i know what i want out of my life and that's more than what most people can say these days. i am only exisiting, not living.

[14 Jun 2008|10:21pm] isn't it funny when you're infront of someone and you need help and they know you do, they feel some kind of distance from you for whatever reason, but once you're not there anymore, the moment you are not infront of the person you needed help from...they'd do anything to get you back and change their decision to help..

THE WAIT IS OVER!!! [30 May 2008|07:46am] [ mood | sleepy ] I can't wait to have a girl's night out tomorrow && finally see this!!

[27 May 2008|10:22pm] "I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they go right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart, so that better things can fall together." - Marilyn Monroe

The Golden Girl: Mischa <3 RIP [25 May 2008|02:30pm] [ mood | heartbroken ] Mischa, my cat of 19 years who I have had since I was 1 year old, was put to sleep last night. This is the 2nd cat we've had to put down this year. She changed before my very eyes for the past few days; I was taking care of her everyday. But, last night, she was just so out of it that only a miracle, especially at her age, could save her. When I was sitting by her side, one of the kittens woke up [the one I call my son] came to me, sat on my lap and looked at me as if he were asking, 'What's wrong?' The irony of the new generation seeing what was happening with the older generation. When we took her to the emergency vet last night, the doctor said for a cat her age, everything was looking pretty good which was odd, except for one thing. And that one thing couldn't be fixed. The last time I saw my dad cry was back when I was a little girl. This cat was like my parents' 4th child, she had been with us for so long. Before they basically said there was nothing they could do, I was numb. I felt nothing. When they gave us time to say our goodbyes, I broke down, dropped to my knees. I kissed her on the head and told her I loved her so much. My mom and I stayed with her when she went off into the world peace where no suffering exists. On the ride home, after wiping my tears, I looked at the sky for some reason and I catch a shooting star. I instantly made a wish, despite how upset I was and my mom said, 'Maybe that was Mischa..' We just didn't want her to suffer anymore and now, she isn't & I'm currently finding the peace in that. She was the best cat, purring when even nobody was petting her, placing one paw over the other being all proper and being the queen of the house, because that's what she was. I love her and miss her so much already. She has gone to the Rainbow Bridge with the rest of the animals we had in the past. Rest in Peace, sweet girl. You were the best & will be greatly missed. ( the best ) 10 twists | ???

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